Covert narcissism is sometimes called shy, closet, or vulnerable narcissism. Unlike grandiose narcissism, studies show that covert narcissists don’t consistently outwardly demonstrate arrogance and entitlement. Instead, they are preoccupied with feeling inadequate and resentful. If you find yourself with intense feelings of anxiety or depression due to your relationship with the covert narcissist, it might be wise to talk with a therapist, either in-person or via an online therapy platform. They can help you practice setting boundaries and identify other ways to protect your mental health.

If you need help as a covert narcissist

In an effort to narcissism and alcoholism proclaim they are, in fact, the most important person in the room, a narcissist might bulldoze over healthy boundaries and exhibit a sense of entitlement. Covert narcissists make a lot of promises, but then end up finding reasons to justify why they can never fulfill them. Something else inevitably comes up and although they promise to make it up to the person they’ve hurt, they never do.

Covert narcissists and mental health

• This trauma changed them on a fundamental level and caused them to develop behaviors that might have never manifested if they’d been raised in different circumstances.
• The main distinction between types of narcissists is how they experience grandiosity, a core feature of narcissistic personality disorder.
• If you suspect you have experienced covert narcissism—either from a parent, sibling, romantic partner, or otherwise—seeking out professional help can be a wonderful option to help you recover from its impacts.
• Recovering from abuse is challenging, but it is possible—especially if you learn to prioritize your health and emotional well-being.
• They may have a constant feeling of inadequacy or not being good enough.
• Instead, they are preoccupied with feeling inadequate and resentful.

But when you get to know them a little more, covert narcissists often have an emptiness or darkness that you can’t put your finger on. Miller doesn’t think there are easy ways to recognize a covert narcissist, especially because vulnerable narcissism is on the subtle side. Kenneth Levy, director of the Laboratory for Personality, Psychopathology, and Psychotherapy Research at The Pennsylvania State University, says overt and covert narcissists are two sides of the same coin. Here’s what you need to know about covert narcissists, including how to recognize them, what they might say, and how to deal with one in your life.

Passive Aggressiveness

• Additionally, people with a mood disorder like depression or a substance abuse issue may be at an increased risk of covert narcissism.
• Since the abuse is subtle and passive, its effects may not be noticeable until it’s gone on for a significant amount of time.
• If you wouldn’t be manipulated by a pouting 10-year-old child who’s trying to guilt you into doing her chores for her, don’t allow a sulking, overgrown 30-year-old child to affect you either.
• You may have noticed that you don’t react to emotions the same way as other people.
• While each situation is unique and will require a more personalized approach, here are some general ways to cope with covert narcissism.

Here are some common beliefs people with covert narcissism may have. Though, they may not always speak these statements out loud, you may recognize them by the way they behave or respond. While it can be challenging to identify covert narcissism in someone you know—especially since so much of their belief system is internalized—there are certain behaviors to watch for. Whether it’s a friend, family member, co-worker, or significant other, maintaining any type of personal relationship with a covert narcissist can be challenging. Covert narcissists are less likely to overestimate their abilities than overt narcissists. Internally, they grapple with feelings of inadequacy despite their desire to be seen as special or successful.

Gaslighting—a form of psychological manipulation that causes the victim to question their own perceptions, thoughts and memories—is a hallmark covert narcissist tactic, says Reiss. Narcissists have a tendency to project the blame on other people, and you may get a sense that what’s going on doesn’t quite make sense, he adds. And this is just a sample of the impacts that a child raised by a covert narcissistic parent can experience. Covert narcissists may not be aware of their toxic behaviors or they may not know their behavior is stemming from a personality disorder. This isn’t an excuse for acting in hurtful ways, but it is something to keep in mind when dealing with a narcissist. Covert narcissist traits may be more common among some personality types.

• Covert narcissists often play the victim of the other person’s behavior and use emotional abuse to make the other person feel small.
• Some researchers suggest that rather than fitting neatly into separate categories, narcissists shift between grandiose and vulnerable (overt and covert) states.
• Covert narcissistic abuse refers to a subtle pattern of controlling, manipulative, and hurtful behaviors performed by someone who lives with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).
• Covert narcissist traits may reflect a different subtype or more subtle presentation of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).

Establish (and uphold) healthy boundaries.

Recognizing these traits in yourself can bring a mix of emotions – validation, relief, and perhaps a sense of sadness or anger. These behaviors often stem from growing up in an environment where love and approval are conditional on your performance. You might feel an overwhelming pressure to be perfect in every aspect of your life. It’s as if a small criticism is an echo of the harsh judgments you faced in your childhood. It’s about having a skewed perception of one’s self-worth, where you’re always doubting if you’re good enough, smart enough, or worthy enough.